The Psychotic Family
Dysfunction, denial, and seven suggestions for dealing with trauma
My client, Ken, thought of his family as dysfunctional, until a therapist friend who knew him well said, “You grew up in a psychotic family.” The friend explained that the “reality testing” in the family of origin was “ off.” Ken’s disturbed, devil-may-care older brother was idealized as gifted while he, a hard worker, was seen as having deficits. The brother received many of the family’s financial and emotional resources while he was expected to manage on his own. With ample time to himself, he studied hard and developed a variety of skills to pass the time. As an adult, he went far, while the brother, unfortunately, deteriorated. Ken’s rise could be due to intrinsic ability, grit or both. Sometimes benign neglect is a good thing for kids. Determined to not repeat the past, they develop a highly honed awareness and a strong work ethic.
Well-meaning parents may enable a troubled child and miss the boat on a talented one. Either way, if the family narrative does not capture the truth and members are mislabeled with negative qualities, lowself-esteem and identity confusion can ensue. Not being seen, understood or heard creates emotional distress. Ken suffered from headaches, depressions, and an “ongoing anxiety.” The bad feeling never went away. Home was not a peaceful place.
What is a psychotic family? A general definition of psychotic would include not being in touch with reality. Classically, this can take the form of delusions or hallucinations—thinking that people are conspiring against you, hearing voices, seeing things. These are extreme symptoms and often the result of biological conditions such as schizophrenia, mania, or very severe depression.
But there can be softer signs of psychosis that involve a different kind of poor reality testing. Distorted thought processes can stem from acculturation or indoctrination. In other words the “off”-ness can be environmentally induced. Dysfunctional families, cultures or communities such as colts can be ruled by an erroneous set of beliefs, promulgated by a powerful authority figure. Members drink the Kool-Aid. When one who thinks or sees otherwise or is mistreated speaks up, he or she may be met with dismissal, denial, criticism or punishment. It is “crazy-making” because the healthier person can be pegged as the pathological one.
Concerns may be met with, “No, he didn’t, you are exaggerating, you imagined it, she didn’t mean it, he said you did that to him, why are you making such a big deal, what is wrong with you, or go to your room for making such an accusation ” This pushback can conjure an overwhelming sense of helplessness, hopelessness, depression and anger.
A severely dysfunctional or “psychotic” family is “not in touch” with reality in the sense that they dismiss it. This is not a biological problem, but rather a choice based on character, personality structure, greed, fragile ego, sadism, etc. Healthier, truth-seeing members with fewer sadistic traits and greater individuation do best by leaving when they are able to do so. Sometimes the whole family system is disturbed and distorted. Therapeutic interventions might help but sometimes an exit is called for. This allows for a far better future with a family of one’s own, however defined or created.
Seven Suggestions for Dealing With Family Trauma:
- Tolerate the disappointment
- Hold on to your truth
- Seek help outside the circle
- Separate from the situation
- Substitute old relationships with new ones
- Avoid getting into discussions with PWPI (People with poor insight)
- Define who you are and what you do anew.
Great boundaries leads to better lives.
Here are some interesting descriptions of troubled and optimal families:
"A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continually and regularly, leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes grow up in such families with theunderstanding that such an arrangement is normal. "(Wikipedia)
